Feels like everything is on me
Feels like everything is on me
I'm supposed to be on vacation but I've spent it caring for other people and never myself. I know I feel like an asshole just saying that. But it's wearing me down.
I'm a single dad and I can't seem to make enough money to survive, but it seems like everyone depends on me. My mother has cancer and I have to be there for her. My best friend caught his wife cheating and he moved in with me since he would be homeless otherwise. He has a job but it pays maybe $300 a month but he can't seem to get better work because he's disabled. So I'm basically supporting him and his daughter who is here as well. His ex contributes just enough to cover bus fare for his daughter to get to school.
I'm fighting a custody battle after years of abuse and I'm fucking terrified that the judge will eventually give my ex custody because the court in my country never awards custody to the father. Even though she's been documented medically abusing our daughter. She contributes nothing to support our daughter and seldom tries to even see her.
And my boss turned me down when another department asked for me to work there for more pay. His reason was that it was too short notice and that he needs me. That extra money would have helped so much with the above issues but he can't be inconvenienced. I'm looking to leave but the job market here is shit and that opportunity was extremely rare.
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You're not alone in feeling like you bear the weight alone. I mean, with all you're doing, you're basically a church-on-wheels here. And I say that both as a compliment and as a reflection of our situation as a society--we need each other, we need neighbors, community, and we need help sometimes. And many people are feeling the "it's too much to do alone" conclusion. I don't think we were meant to be this way. I've been reading Seth Kaplan's "Fragile Neighborhoods" recently and I feel like my eyes are open to the deep loss in social capital or "collective efficacy" that previous generations had. We're in a period of innovating on new social structures. It's tough. Keep going. Play the long game, make friends and neighbors, and don't forget you're just human too. We need each other.