Absolutely

You absolute winner

You absolute king

You absolute beast

Im bad at this

No you're not you absolute gummy bear
- You guys are absolute stars!
Absolute winner and absolute beast are common compliments in my social group.
- Thank you, Ted, that was the joke.

You absolute textbook.

Yeah, you.

How dare you say that? you absolute toothpaste
- I think his name is based on "Harvey Dent", and not "dentistry" you absolute dolphin
Thank... You...?

"You [...]" makes pretty much anything an insult.

A positive word implies sarcasm. "You genius". "You hero".

A random noun drags out the negative aspect of the noun or implies lack of a brain. "You french fry". "You paper bag".

Adding a random adjective just strengthens the statement. "You british bathroom sink". "You beautiful parking lot".

Of couse it depends on delivery, and using random words makes some strange insults, but I rarely see "you [...]" turn into a positive compliment.

You Beautiful parking lot

This sounds like something Leslie Knope would call Ann Perkins.
I'll take "beautiful parking lot" as a compliment and there is nothing you can do about it
“You genius” sounds like a compliment to me. A “funny” compliment. Would it be taken as sarcasm in the US? It really depends the tone I guess but in Australian english I wouldnt interpret it as sarcasm.
- Context and tone matters.
  
  "Hey, I figured out a way to cut our EC2 needs and scaled down, saving us a ton of money." "You genius!"
  
  vs.
  
  "Ummm.... I accidentally left half a dozen m8g.16xlarge nodes running... for the last four months." "You... fucking genius."
- I think that changing it to something gramatically correct would make it into a compliment. "You are a genius" would make it positively charged. However, I would expect "you genius" to be something that, for instance, someone would exclaim when someone cuts their hand when trying to open an avocado. Meanwhile I think it would be strange to exclaim "you genius" when someone solves a partial differential equation. But it probably does rely on the tone.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

You absolute sith.
Explain this then.
- Weird how one of the strongest Jedi in history "just didn't notice a Sith Lord corrupting the whole fuckin Galactic Senate"
  
  "He trained Like though?"
  
  Yeah, just like Palpatine wanted, so he could get a newer, younger model.
- Well the prequels were supposed to be more of a condemnation of the original Jedi order. The Jedi were supposed to be these hypocritical religious zealots and Anakin was supposed to be drawn to the darkside because of that hypocrisy. It's why he was "too old" to train because they wanted tiny minds to indoctrinate.
  
  All of this culminates into that penultimate line by Obi-Wan. It's illustrating that hypocrisy.
  
  However Lucas has the directing chops and subtlety of cocaine bear and this all went flat. You see this more watching deleted scenes and reading some of the side content.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

Get out of here, you absolute integer.

What a non-negative thing to say.
- It's only natural to say it

You absolute genius

task failed successfully, you absolute unit.

Absolute unit.

Whoops, I broke it.

You absolute strawberry plant

You absolute fishtank

You absolute houseplant

Yeah, this checks out

Close!

This has been a Brit thing for a decade or so, particularly Scots and Northern English. The idea is to use a noun that could already be a slightly insulting word to start with, like 'potato' in the example

You absolute donkey

You absolute cabbage

You absolute bin-bag

You absolute Belgian

Etc etc
- On a similar note, with an "absolutely" and a word ending in "ed", you get words which mean "very inebriated/stoned"
  
  Common
  
  absolutely battered
  
  absolutely blathered
  
  absolutely pissed
  
  absolutely wankered
  
  absolutely trolleyed
  
  absolutely shitfaced
  
  absolutely twatted
  
  Less common
  
  absolutely potatoed
  
  absolutely cultured
  
  absolutely traffic coned
  
  absolutely fishcaked
  
  absolutely Belgianed
  
  absolutely bin-bagged
  
  absolutely cabbaged
  
  absolutely Tobleroned
- "You absolute melt" is my favourite. Uttered by a GBBO baker about himself in the latest episode.
- I think houseplant and fishtank kind of work in this context.

Equally if you write the word "totally" in front of any noun it means drunk.

"I'm totally suitcased"

That's not a noun, is it.

Could be a system daemon process though.
I’m totally vacuumed

Almost any adjective works. It's the 'you' part that implies ire and intended denigration.

You incredible sock! You blind carrot! You empty bottle! You missing tooth! You complete thumb! You glazed pie! You stewed milk! You wet sandwich! You frosted toenail! You waxy discharge! You nauseous chifferobe!

Okay maybe not every one of them works but I think most of the time you can just put on a bad attitude and attach a adjective to an object to create some rare insults.

I think it works best with an adjective that has 3+ syllables. E.g. You incorrigible turnip You reprehensible teapot You abominable spoon You acephalous sandwich

You absolute value

You shouldn't have given me this new power you absolute pork tenderloin!

I love it! Lol

Foods definitely work best, you absolute Dorito.
- Don't be so sure about that, you absolute budgerigar.

you absolut vodka

I've watched all of the Gordon Ramsey Kitchen Nightmares series and it's full of these, except it's usually fuckin' instead of absolute.

My favorite is when after having lunch he went back to the kitchen to find they were just microwaving everything. The exchange went something like this:

"Did I have anything for lunch that wasn't microwaved?"

"your salad"

"Of course you don't microwave a salad you fuckin' donut"

Edit

Found the clip at 1:15 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so5eX9q3k9A

It's a very British thing. Like adding "ed" to anything to mean very drunk. Hammered, trollied, steamed, cunted etc.

You absolute absolute

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

You absolute Sith lord
- Look at me I got the low ground!

And add absolutely to the front of almost anything to describe how pissed you were. I was absolutely trousered/shedded/etc

Too much absolutism in this thread.

Good, good.

You absolute noun

This is absolute Reddit shit.

You absolute water bottle

Common insult in germany for people being too stereotypically german. Used it on multiple occasions :D

I don't think so, you absolute absolutist!

You absolute humidor. Nah. This works a lot of the time, but not all the time 🤣

or a decent screwdriver with absolut vodka

i wish these awesome posts weren't blurry moldy screenshots cause I really wanna save them

Are you saying they're beyond salvation?
- i'm saying they kinda suck, probably been compressed by JPEG twice already
sharpen (unsharp mask)

r/lolsorandom

Allow me to explain my down vote: suggesting a subreddit to cross post to on Lemmy is a display of bad form
- I wasn't suggesting they post it there, I was saying it belongs there. Like as an insult