Bernadette, she/her, tired of everything, not a lostwave enthusiast, Nintendo fan, dog person, nothing of value.
I wish I could just live in the present without having to completely fake a personality to hide the fact I don't have one.
It's not just my current circle, it's the world. Everyone. I'm completely alone for wanting actual equality. Everyone believes minorities should just be high school bullies towards majority groups instead of there being actual equality and unity. I don't care if other games are better than mine. I made what I wanted to make. I hate that everything I create becomes ammo in a race war against other creators who weren't even aware they were competing. Where my ratings and revenue are only inflated and used to "attack" white creators. It's just not fair. Every other creator is a creator, and black creators are perpetual victims. If I made bad content then vote with your time and money. It's not fucking racist to not consume bad media. I hate being infantilized. There's no point in doing anything in this world.
Yeah but eventually my skin color will be revealed, as well as that ugly stupid birth name. Then a stupid misdiagnosis I've been running away from for years will resurface and then that stupid disorder will be credited for making everything I created. I'll just convince myself nobody cares and it's stupid, and let it all go to the grave with me next month. It's not worth it. I'll never be human. I give up on fighting for humanity I'll never get.
Yeah constantly listening to and seeing people bleed, suffer medical emergencies, and be murdered with no way to escape it does that to you. You'd think using earbuds in the break room would be enough until a group of smelly sweaty coworkers in winter coats in a heated warehouse sit right next to you to watch a horror movie on a speaker and constantly scream at it, shaking the table and making it hard to just fucking eat. I'm done with living.
I don't. And I'm sick of wearing headphones at "home" and still being unable to escape it at WORK. They play these stupid shows in the break room as well, if the coworkers blasting true crime podcasts wasn't enough. I'm honestly tired of everything.
Honestly, the fear of screwing up suicide and destroying any opportunity of improving my life. It's the only reason I'm alive today :/ if only I could just sign some papers, go to sleep, and never wake up.
So now I try so many money making schemes so I could rent an apartment without roommates who insist on doing chores in the dumbest way possible and blaming me for being unable to do anything other than housework after work.
Some asshole christian would end up saving me and then I'll be permanently brain damaged.
I FUCKING hate true crime and horror movies. I'm SO fucking sick of listening to people dying.
Another reason to kill myself. This shit is impossible to escape, like marijuana smoke and vape on a bus. Yeah I'm such a widdle pussy loser oh so sensitive to Adult Topics. I'm so sick of all adult media being death and porn, and everything else is cocomelon brainrot. Every fucking day living with FaMiLy is just constant screaming, choking, vomiting, crying, yelling, and all these sound effects to elicit anxiety 24/7. And at work some fucking tiktok addicted marijuana user wearing a leather jacket while working in a heated warehouse is playing the same stupid shit on a speaker when bone conduction headphones are permitted. Just fucking buy a pair of those for $20 instead of using a $100 brand name speaker to blast people pretending to die at everyone else. All TV and movies are just little kids stuff or watching people die. All user generated media is just cocomelon, porn, or gross "asmr" crap. All music is nursery rhymes or porn audiobooks. I'm sick of everything.
I will always be hiding that awful thing about me so it's not temporary
All of them. They are literally neonazis but with black and white switched. They would say "black lives matter" while beating up a black Jewish person. I hate my family.
Do they not already? I work out a lot to prevent myself from being a burden if I'm older
Now that I think about it suicide is easier to consider since I won't be creating those things at all anyway. If I can distance myself from family enough to have my name on my death certificate that would be better.
What really are the flaws of allowing anyone to euthanize themselves or relatives like we do sick animals?
Asking legitimately not as a joke
Yeah. Threw a little boy, a plumber, and a dog under the front of a boat. Then I said "allow me to demonstrate" because I'm a professor.
I hate living as two heavily conflicting personalities.
I can't just get rid of the other one since I've become so attached to her. We've been through all my suffering at the same time. But she's everything I'm not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn't have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.
I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can't be a "talented black person" again. I'd rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be "black excellence" all over again. Every hobby I did was "excellence" and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.
So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There's no way I'd escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it's racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I'm a black woman and not a random normal game developer.
I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can't be a black person who made something. I can't go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I'd still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don't look racist.
A lot of bullying. HE was the victim because he never did anything wrong, I just didn't like him for no reason.
Same thing with a stalker and a rapist. They did nothing to me, I just Don't Like.
Everyone believes it serves me right, and that I deserve it, and if everyone believes it then it's true and I just need to get over it if I didn't like being "abused". I ditch everyone in my life to prevent more from happening.
To cut all ties, live in a penthouse, and never go onto the ground again until my body is found after dozens of amazon boxes at my door prompts a wellness check. I refuse to live as a permanent victim used to inspire actual people to not be outdone by something below them. I refuse to be marijuana and nicotine users' emotional punching bag. That's all I'll ever be in society if I don't cut ties or die.
As a worker there, with 70K to 100K packages a day, one less ain't changing anything. And to be completely honest, boycotting them enough to make them lose money would not benefit the workers at all. We'll get laid off or have our (pretty good btw) benefits reduced or canceled. They literally are one of, if not THE, only entry-level jobs you can actually rent an apartment on in these times, without doing Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, Uber Eats, Fiverr, UserTesting, OnlyFans, and every other side hustle the sun has remotely breathed on.
Not a recruiter, not Jeff in disguise, not held hostage by Jeff or Jassy, just a person satisfied with my job. I support unionization.
Should have told Hubert Blaine Wolfe+575 about his actual first name
Stockton Rush was acting like it's invincible and "You're remembered for the rules you break". But yeah, it's meant to sink lmao
What are some cursed names to avoid?
Everything named Concord crashed and burned as a result of overconfidence.
And then the Titanic and OceanGate Titan sank despite being "unsinkable".
Are there any other fandoms as diverse and tightly knit as Super Mario Maker?
Seriously, the SMM Fandom is the world's closest thing to a utopia.
Are you SOL if you can't feel joy without immediately feeling annoyed and disgusted with yourself?
I hate laughing it makes me want to vomit.
Why is everyone vehemently against easier lives?
Conveniences, automation, safety plans, etc. Everyone loves winging it and having piles of chores, but then they complain about life being hard, but then they don't change anything
How can you raise yourself to be on the same page as society when you were neglected and locked away for 20 years?
Is that possible or am I just SOL for never being raised
I hate how every possible facial expression a black woman can make is mistook for aggression and "attitude"
Straight face only means I want to fight. Any kind of smiling is passive aggressive. Looking sad means I want to fight. And of course looking angry means I'm angry with you and specifically you and nothing else. The only way to Fix My Face is to just hide it entirely.
I really hate my ugly ass face for all other reasons, but being unable to order food in person without a cashier thinking I'm angry and willing to fight over the pettiest thing possible is the last straw.
I can't wait until I don't need to work anymore and I can just shut myself away from society and be a white vtuber or something. If I really want fast food then I'll do no contact delivery so the deliverer doesn't assume I'm angry at them for literally doing their job.
Can't even apologize for bumping into someone without them assuming I'm angry that they're in my very important way. Whoops, sorry, excuse me, doesn't matter what I said, it's passive aggressive and I want to fight.
Can't say anything is fine or okay, can't thank anyone, can't wish them a nice day, can't greet them, can't say anything without it being taken aggressively. And not saying anything at all is silent treatment, or passive aggression.
Can't thank anyone for a gift. Every holiday, I was "ungrateful" for everything. My smile was fake and the thank you was sarcastic. I hate holidays, birthdays, and gifts for that reason.
So many black women glorify this as "culture". I might as well be the only black woman who isn't petty, passive aggressive, or overly willing to fight someone. I really wish I had just died at birth since clearly something is wrong with me.
Do y'all really eat breakfast at Taco Bell?
Just asking. Not angry that I can't get dinner at 6AM after a 12 hour shift at Amazon or anything. Juuuuuust asking.
What media has your favorite worldbuilding?
Personally I'm really obsessed with the lore in Fire Emblem: Three Houses
What are ways to end a web surfing addiction?
That's what we call it still right, I'm not old, right? Anyway I'm horribly addicted to ragebait on reddit and despite being permabanned sitewide (can't even make new accounts) I still keep going back to it. It's obviously depressing and angering. It's not fun!
Y'all I'm so addicted to daydreaming it has spilled out into real life and I barely spend a minute in reality
That's it. Can't elaborate.
I keep crying about the twenty years I lost because of my mother
She never let me grow because some dumb misdiagnosis and I could have grown like everyone else but I was in an institution that made me stagnate. I wasn't allowed outside. I wasn't allowed to SHOWER until I was 11 because "I don't know better" but I was showering at FOUR before i was misdiagnosed. I'm 26 and living the tween years I never got to experience. I never had family, just bullies and abusers. The institution forced me to be friends with hurtful people and dissolved my boundaries. I never got to grow as a kid and even today I can't even be an adult. Being an adult is a joke because of the MISdiagnosis. Being a kid was a joke because the imaginary disorder made a CHILD be CHILDISH. I want to fix that woman's mistake and die now. That woman should have NEVER had kids and if she really insisted, she should have killed me if she didn't want a "special" kid that I wouldn't have been if she gave me a chance at life.