Hope? I have none. I continue on through the power of avoidance and denial. If I stop to think about things it turns into suicidal thoughts, so I just do my damnedest not to think.
From the perspective of someone who generally would prefer not to exist, because I don't trust my brain to make that decision. How we perceive reality can vary incredibly from it, suicide can seem not only an appropriate response to your situation but the only way to escape it one day, only to have the next day feel nowhere near as bad. In short, requiring other people's input and approval on your decision to die is a good thing. Medical assistance in dying SHOULD be legal and available everywhere, but it's important to make sure it's actually appropriate.
Pittsburgh has the slang term "Yinz" which is used like "y'all" and I've taken to using the singular "yin" for a gender neutral replacement for "guy" in the phrase "my guy", because "my yin" still carries that condescending tone that's vital (to me, anyways). Not telling you what to say or anything just fun to come across some grappling with the same language problem
Problem: I want to kill myself, owning a firearm is probably a bad idea
In therapy and on antidepressants, and things were better for a while, but the past few months have shown me that nothing ever actually improves. I can feel better about stuff for a while, or more accurately be emotionally disconnected from how shitty things are, but they don't improve. I've tried, and failed so hard I'm much worse off now than before I started antidepressants and therapy in the first place. I'm done. I wish I'd never tried to make things better in the first place. Having hope was stupid and just resulted in me hurting way more. I'm mostly just trying to avoid suicide for as long as possible, I think it's pretty inevitable.
Tbh I would love nothing more than for my friends to throw me a surprise euthanasia party. Reminiscing, having a good time, then they suffocate me or something.
It's certainly not pleasant, but not outright painful. The bad part of it is you feel like you should be panicking and struggling and fighting to breathe. If you're rebreathing your air, so you're not prevented from inhaling, and you take long, slow, breaths and keep calm and relaxed, it's not nearly as unpleasant. I had a near suicide attempt where I gave it a try to see how bad it would actually be and it was scarily not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted I didn't take it to unconsciousness or I wouldn't be here to talk about it, but I got to the point my vision was getting fuzzy so I think it's far enough to draw this conclusion.
If DIY colonoscopy is something you want to do more than once, doing some anal training with a longer toy is probably a good idea. Helps you learn to relax your muscles and get a feel for your insides, which would probably be pretty helpful for maneuvering a scope around. Oh and when you're doing it, work the scope in a bit, then take it out, relube, rinse and repeat. It's hard to work lube in that deep, doing it iteratively like that helps. Let me know if you have any butt questions, toying is like my main hobby nowadays.
Hell, regular suffocation isn't that bad if you stay calm and relaxed and accept it. It's all about the state of mind, and someone being murdered isn't exactly going to be meditative about it.
If the surgeons been successful the last 20 times, then they're probably doing something different or much better at it than the pool of surgeons the data was pulled from.
Thanks for your kind words.
It's... I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can't choose to not want to kill myself. I think it's kind of inevitable though, it'll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.
I don't really have any hope for the future. It's become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don't improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it's apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can't care enough to keep trying.
I really don't want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can't choose anymore. I won't hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won't be enough anymore.
I... actually did something similar a month ago. Just with a bag. Scary that it's not as bad as I thought it would be, kind of removes one of the barriers discouraging it.
People who misconstrue what you're saying or purposely twist your words then go off on angry rants about their bad interpretation are the worst kind of internet user
And the future has already been stolen from us.
"The world you're looking for no longer exists. You missed it."
Life would be so much better if I wasn't experiencing it
I'm so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I'm so tired of living? I know things won't improve. That they can't improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven't changed, it's just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I've given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I'll never get there. I'm so tired of it, and I don't see any way it ever changes. I just don't want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn't, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn't acceptable for me to just say "actually, nah, life isn't for me, see you never" and fucking die?
I'm pretty sure suicide's inevitable. At some point, I'm just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it's more just a matter of when that'll be. Makes me sad my online friends won't know for sure, but they'll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don't have to worry about leaving work on short notice.
Timeline Questions
Hey all, as I've been thinking about who I want to be and how I want to transition, I've gotten to wondering about people's transition timelines in general. If it's something you're comfortable talking about, how long did it take you from realizing your trans to taking steps to transition? When did you start using different pronouns, when did you come out to people, how long did it take you to know you wanted HRT and then to start it?
I realized I wasn't cis a few months ago, and have been growing my hair out and experimenting with clothing. I know I want to get permanent facial hair removal, and am interested in HRT but have reservations, and would value hearing others experiences about how long it took them to know what they wanted. I'm a very hesitant and self-doubtful person in general, and I guess just feel a bit lost in how to go about self discovery here.
Editing to say thank you very much all for sharing, seeing how different everyone's experiences can be is honestly really comforting.
It's either kill myself or quit my job, so I'm quittingnmy job
When I can't find another and run out of savings in a few months, that's when Ill kill myself.
Honestly did a bit of a trial run last night, fastened a bag over my head and snuggled my stuffed animals on the couch to see what it would be like. It's definitely something I can go through with if/when it comes to it. Taking other steps to make life less unbearable first, hence the title. I don't really see my life ending any other way though tbh, just more of a question of when. If I'm lucky, it'll be when the climate change induced famine prices me out of being able to eat and I chose not to starve. Anyways, sorry for making you read this. Fuck.
Any chance direct messages will be supported any time soon?
It's the major thing holding me back from buying ad free. Trying to view dms instantly crashes the app and it's very frustrating.
Stopped being able to be in denial on friday...
and this popped into my head. As a friend said, it's confusing and scary but ignoring just makes you feel more confused and scared, and that's so accurate.