Sorry for the long post.

I was committed to a trans man for 30 years (we got together in 1989). We couldn’t get married for most of that time because it was illegal, but we represented ourselves as married since about 1991, which tbh in some cases meant breaking the law on legal documents to try to get fair representation, so I wouldn’t be excluded from ‘married’ benefits in healthcare, housing, etc. Once he was able to ‘pass’ and we lived in a new state where people wouldn’t out him, he stayed in the closet, and almost nobody knew he was trans since the early 90s. We just wanted to live a normal life. The only people who really knew were our healthcare providers, because that was the only place it was an issue.

We had a mostly happy marriage and raised a wonderful son – he’s 27 now – until about 15 years ago when my disability started getting really bad. I was born with Ehlers Danlos and an autoimmune disorder, which I was mostly able to compensate for until it started getting really bad in about 2010. I had built a career in software development and UX design, but I developed Dysautonomia and started having seizures, major heart issues, and GI intolerance to the point I couldn’t process food. I worked for a couple of years after that, but it became impossible and I had to give up the career I loved and go on disability. We were pretty well off – not rich, but comfortable – and my inability to work didn’t jeopardise our financial stability that much. Between the benefits of my career and his (he was a regional director in university housing), we had been doing okay.

It took several years for me to be diagnosed, since what I have is extremely rare. It’s also degenerative, and there’s no treatment or cure. It only gets progressively worse. I’ve never liked sex, but I did it because he liked it. But the sicker I got, the more I just didn’t want it. It’s very hard to force yourself to have sex when you feel like you have the stomach flu 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 365 days per year.

He started getting annoyed with that, and angrier at the sex situation the sicker I got. At first, he’d leave pamphlets and books around the house with titles like ‘How to enjoy sex when you’re disabled’. It felt very passive-aggressive, and I started feeling resentful. Eventually it turned into him shouting at me in public, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Between my progressive disability, the constant pressure, and feeling increasingly alone and worthless, I became suicidal. I found myself holing up in the toilet, crying for hours, and just wishing it would end. I asked for a divorce. He was clearly deeply unhappy with me, and I loved him too much to do that to him. I still do.

Partly because we’d only been legally married 4 years before that when it finally became legal (still not in my state; we travelled to a legal state to do it), even though we’d been representing ourselves as married for 30 years, and partly because my divorce lawyer basically snubbed me after he got my husband’s legal records – clearly because he didn’t approve of the relationship (he didn’t even show up for court and stopped returning my calls, but I couldn’t afford the retainer for a new lawyer), I was left with nothing. No alimony, no savings, no retirement because we’d cashed out mine in favour of his (yes, I was stupid, but he controlled the finances and I never thought our relationship would end), I was left with literally nothing but half the debt.

My ex-husband was married again within a year of our divorce (to his high school sweetheart who he had kept contact with – their friendship never bothered me, because I am not a jealous type) and they make 6 figures. I now live on nothing but disability, am overdrawn every month, and have to choose between medicine and basic necessities. I’m supposed to drink ensure and pedialyte because of my digestive issues, but I can’t afford it.

I’m homebound and completely alone now, and I have no social network because all of my friends and most of my family have died in the last few years. I’d kept my son away from my ex-husband’s family for his entire life because they are abusive, narcissistic sociopaths and I valued my son too much to expose him to that, but since the divorce, my son moved to be near his father and connected with them. They always hated me, partly because they blamed me for ‘enabling him to become trans’. They literally had said that. After a few months’ exposure to them, he visited me to have a short conversation in which he told me I’d always be his mother, but he didn’t want to be around me anymore. We’d always been very close with a great relationship, and this broke my heart. I don’t think I can recover from that.

I don’t know what to do. I can no longer afford to live, and Medicare is wholly inadequate for my healthcare needs, but I can’t afford the gap insurance. My teeth all need pulled now since I can’t afford dental care, and all of them hurt (sjogrens syndrome rots my teeth). I can’t afford even Medicare’s copays. Every month, I am staring down homelessness, and the stress only makes my dysautonomia worse.

I no longer have good days. A few years ago, I wrote a scifi novel, but I don’t feel well enough to promote it. I have no energy for social media, and that’s needed to sell books. I’m pretty good at writing and am working on another novel, but I’m so consumed with stress over finances that I can’t focus. I honestly feel that all of society right now just wants me to die.

What’s worse, I feel like my inability to just conform and have sex is what led to this. If I had just been able to suck it up and do the deed, I’d not have lost my marriage, my husband, my son, and everything.

e: 15 yrs, not 10 – I’m bad at numbers

Me: ND, asexual (?aegosexual?demisexual?)

Credit

You are seen, you are valid.

-2 to stealth rolls.

I've recently met a man whose dating profile said that he's Graysexual. I tried Googling the term, but it's a bit confusing and I'm hoping to get a straightforward breakdown from the kind folks in this community.

From what I gather, it's a branch of asexuality that sometimes feels sexual attraction. That's a bit ambiguous, though.

I will ask the person directly once we've spoken more, but it will help to have a foundation of understanding beforehand. Thanks ahead of time!

First of i am very sex repulsed. It triggers some trauma (i am very sure i am ace anyway tho).

Seeing people sexualising themselfs or others is the worst for me. it can literally end the day for me, because i have to stay in bed for the rest of the day trying to deal with the emotions. So naturally i try to avoid that. all my friends are very suportive. On the internet i obviously dont go to places where such things might be. today i way watching roadrage videos. should be save enough right? ofc not. because some people gotta but sexualising content literally everywhere. The otherday i looked for chess openings. found a guide who ??? sexualised the chess pieces???

i am just tired. nsfw already has the majority of internet traffic. cant i just have some small portion where i can feel save?

I know i am an extreme case but it just feels so darn isolating. i am scared of joining any discord server. i used to my partner check subreddits (thankfull lemmy seems to be less bad in this regard) before joining. the internet gives potential for so much community especially for an introvert like me. but beeing so very sex repulsed locks me out of those communitys right away.

Thanks for reading. I dont think there is help or a solution. I just needed to rant to someone.

cross-posted from: c/undertale_deltarune

> https://www.tumblr.com/hoagiesnadwich/752057984033669120/happy-pride-have-some-more-penpals-art-also

cross-posted from: https://mander.xyz/post/12578601

This account will be used to moderate !asexual@lemmy.world. I hope everyone enjoys the garlic bread!

Be aware!

Ok so it is Tumblr so of course the audience is skewed but even in non-straight circles this is a rare sight!

I've been having a dought. It's a small nagging one but it's there.

I've been working a lot with my therapist on self hate issues, but I can acknowledge them.

I realized I can never really be in any kind of physical relationship with somone because of this. I'm repulsed by myself and perhaps my asexuality is just a result of that.

I wonder if I am so repulsed by myself that the idea of me being with anyone is rejected because of the "me" part and not how I feel towards others. Where some may think "I want to kiss that person" I can't bare the thought if subjecting somone to me in that way. And therefore the thought is gross.

Does anyone else deal with this? Any advice?

The reason I wanted to post this is because I want to remind others that the only thing that matters is the now and then.

Why? I was not always asexual, and it has been over 10 years since I experienced confirmed feelings of being sexually attracted. No trauma, my hormones levels are the same as other people's, and no confusion as in I can look back and confirm that I did experienced it. Essentially, my sexuality has literally changed on it own over a decade ago. I can't explain why my sexual orientation simply changed on it own, but it did.

With that being said, I would be lying if I say I am gray-sexual as it implies a chance. It would be lying to say I has been always asexual as I can't simply explain away what I felt and that gets more true as I try to question it.

So, I was allosexual. I'll remain asexual for the rest of my life. I can't change that. That's my future. I did not chose that.

It starts tomorrow 22 Oct 23.

I see you all...

Have a good week!

Edit: To the downvoters, I wouldn't mind so much if I was the bottom of the barrel poster here. But I seem to be one of the very few.

So, a challenge: if you think you can make better content to help this community, post.