ADHD @lemmy.world nichtsowichtig @feddit.de 1y ago

ADHD + Depression is weird

I don't know where the purpose of my life is. I looked where I last saw it and it isn't there anymore. It's like losing your keychain. All I can do is hope I forgot it somewhere at home because I sure can't go outside without it. I wanna find joy in things again, and it is so difficult to get you shit together when everything feels so meaningless.

The more I look for the keys the more I fear I lost them for good. Which makes me not wanna search for them at all and just distract myself with random stuff. I think that describes my situation quite well.

Anyway I'm sad. But I hope you all are doing okay!

22 comments

Hugs, friend. I’m sadly familiar with both, and I know people who struggle mightily with those conditions and more.

I have some tips if you want to hear them, but I understand if you just want to vent.
- thanks. Sure, let me hear them! they might not work for me, but it certainly won't hurt reading them
  
  As someone who is in a similar place, the only piece of wisdom I have to offer is that it's okay. It's okay for life not to have some grand meaning or propose. It's okay to just keep finding things interesting for a while and then move on to other things. It's okay to not have a singular focus, even if it seems like everyone else does. That doesn't mean we can or even should, or that we never will. It's okay to be directionless, just so long as we keep moving somewhere -- even if sometimes that direction is backwards. I know how hollow and annoying platitudes are but it actually is about the journey and the quality of it, not the destination.
  
  As difficult as mindfulness was for me to learn (and no, I'm not about to tell you to meditate), the one thing I couldn't help but take away from some teachings on the subject is that life is here, now, in this moment, and only here and now. And what grounds me in the present moment is to remember that I am basically a sentient meat robot, one that is carrying out its programming based on a 14-billion-year string of prior causes over which I had no control. Genetic, environmental, parental, developmental, and yes, even pathological factors that all conspired to lead me to this moment right now. I didn't plan to write this, I don't know what will happen once I have, and some of these words came as a surprise even to me as I wrote them. I don't know if it will mean anything to anyone, and it's fine if it doesn't. What I know is that I found a stranger's post interesting and relatable enough to spend a few minutes responding to it, and for a little while that gave me a sense of connection. Next I'll probably either upvote a meme, write a shitpost, or go to sleep.
  
  And that's okay.
  
  Commenting so I can read them when they post it. Meds don't always work.
- Would love to hear some tips!
I've been down your road and I know it can be scary. Things seem out-of-place, there's no inherent meaning. I'm sitting at my desk trying to decipher the meaning of life. I get a few notes in where I come to this resolution:

There is no meaning.

Life's meaning is what you make of it.

Every discovery of meaning simply sparks the search for greater meaning.

There can be no satisfying final meaning for everything.

.

This is something I stick with for a while, that you have to invent your own meaning. I would look out for goals, values, something that I could tie the sail of life to that would keep it from blowing about all over the place. I was looking for an anchor. I felt that there was an inherent need to tie it down with something, anything. Perhaps we can do this for short periods of time, though as we all learn: every time that anchor is uprooted, which it inevitably is, the façade comes crashing down, the sail blows everywhere again, and you inevitably spin out of control until another anchor is found.

It wasn't until much later, sitting at my desk, that I found the solution. It was almost on accident really. I am sitting there reading this book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and I am reading this chapter on death. There is something the way it expanded on the idea of life, how death is the one to grant life to you, how life itself is a gift. Without the consciousness, there truly is nothing. The fact of experience is something which is the gift, and we often hide from that gift by shielding ourselves. Life itself serves as its own meaning.

The moment I found this I felt more at peace. There was never any need to tie life down with an anchor, life itself was coming in through my senses and that was meaning in its own right. The sail blowing all over the place is meaning. The anchor served as an attempt at protection, though I would no longer be participating in this protection. If I continued to tie life down in this way, I would not be able to experience that which is life. I now want to experience more of life. I let the flow of life pass through me, without creating blocks, or doing anything to disrupt this flow. Life just pours in through my senses. This serves me well, and I expect it would serve you well too.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon. These things come in waves, whatever arrives must also pass. Hang in there.
I feel you. I still haven't found my keys as you say. I tried different kinds of work but it all crashed and burned. Then depression and now that I have gotten that in check I still don't know what I want or even can do.

How does one even find out what one wants to do?
- I don't know. I tend to just try to live and hope I come up with an idea at some point.
  
  Yeah I'm currently trying to find something bearable that pays the bills.
this too shall pass...

No really, I dont know if you are medicated or not, but I lean on my Zoloft to keep me from the abyss. I spend every day in a state of a million micro shames, and expectation of disappointing the people around me.

Step over a pile of laundry, shame. Tell some one I will finish something and I dont, that look on their face of "here comes the excuse."

I have to make a choice, and that is that I refuse to let these moments of shame and feelings of personal failure to compound or be additive. I cannot control my past actions, I can only try to provide a structure for improved success in the future. I also choose to not postpone joy. I try to take moments and find moments where I can experience even the smallest bit of joy. That first sip of coffee, the sound of crickets and cicadas as the sun goes down, a cool breeze.

I am also working to redefine me in respect to who I am and move that away from my job. I used to just be my job, now my job is something I do for part of my day but its not me. I enjoy building things and tinkering, I enjoy playing with legos as an adult.

So TLDR, dont postpone joy, accept the shame of your failures but dont bring it with you into the next moment. Happiness is 80% a choice and its easier to make with medical assistance.
- thanks a lot for your words!
  
  Happiness is 80% a choice and its easier to make with medical assistance
  
  it feels like it is so much labor and I am exhausted. it never really sticks, it keeps slipping away. I wish it was easier
  
  I would really really recommend not underestimating the importance of medical treatment. It took me 4 tries to find the right medication (turns out an NDRI, not an SSRI, did the trick) to discover that actually, "normal" people are basically happy by default?? Like instead of it being this elusive reward that I had to work hard for, it's like I can consciously hold on to my positive emotions and let go of the negative ones. Also, basic tasks that were endless nightmares before (laundry, cooking, phone calls) are now stress-free and even kind of satisfying?
  
  I had the right tools before, like supportive friends, enough education about radical acceptance and coping skills, and a physically healthy routine, but it didn't seem to help. And that makes sense now because it turns out, it barely matters how much happy chemicals your brain makes if it's going to immediately throw them away. Not trying to tell you what to do (am neither a doctor nor a therapist) but I'm wondering if that's what's going on with you too.
  
  The right meds are absolutely key in my experience
- Oh man, I am not alone! You just described my experience so well. Micro shames. It’s the perfect term. I am so hard on myself for almost everything I say. I try to tell myself that almost certainly no one gives a second thought to anything I have said in a given time frame. But still I sit here and judge and dwell on my micro shames.
Man. This hit home. Hope you find your joy. I’ve found some recently by becoming part of a community. Hope you can find some peace and solace my dude.
There is no meaning. We make are own meaning arbitrarily. That's what it means to be human, ND or not.

Work on your CBT, work on medication if needed, go through the day working on little wins, they add up to big ones without even realizing it.

Also make sure you sleep right. People harp on eating and working out but I found a great spot with a good medicine regimen which also helped me start and end the days right. Adderall XR 30mg, Clonidine, and Nortryptyline ftw. The Naltrexone helped a ton with cutting down on the alcohol self medication.

Feeling little guilts constantly is the default for a lot of people, I'd wager more people than not. It's how we prime our brains to do the things we don't want to do. Most NT people just don't have as big an issue with it. It's comforting knowing almost everyone has that issue but still get along in their days relatively fine. It puts me at ease knowing everyone else is in their own little world too. Even the people closest to me.
I know this feeling myself.

I don’t have all the answers but I usually start by asking myself this question “What do I really want?”

Then I write down a list of things as they pop into my thoughts.

Usually, there are some easy things that I can do immediately, so I do them as fast as I can to get a quick win.

Checking off an item off the list becomes addictive!

Then, if possible, I plan on how to tackle the remaining things on the list.

Some things might prove to be impossible to accomplish but I console myself with the knowledge that I did succeed with a lot of them.

You can do this too. Everyone can.

Remember that you are not alone!
I don't know if this is depression as well. I have struggles I feel like I partially navigated myself into and now I'm NEET with depleting resources, but the way out is overwhelming, hostile and exhausting.

I was at the point of not knowing where I'm going and not knowing what a meaningful and fulfilling life actually entails, but now I'm not so sure if that feeling's still there, because it led me to lose the grasp to it and now other seemingly mundane problems overshadow the search for meaning.

I should've gotten help when that was not miles away and now waiting for it is scary. So, if you've got good friends, therapy and general stability, be careful with isolation.
What are your strongest most intense beliefs?

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