President elect Donald Trump has spent his final afternoon before the Thanksgiving break slaughtering by hand every single turkey pardoned by current president Joe Biden.

WASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that shit in college. “Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for…ugh, ...

WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely incredible single day of retirement. “By the time most people le...

AUSTIN, TX - Following comments on Russia's invasion of Ukraine, where multi-millionaire podcaster Joe Rogan blamed Ukrainian defence for "causing World War III", the podcast phenom clarified that he was not echoing Kremlin propaganda, but is in fact truly this fucking braindead.

Conservative Tanner Oakenson recently committed his life to destroying all forms of fictional child abuse invented by his favorite conservative podcasters and commentators, proud friends reported.

The annual holiday gift exchange at Clarkson Valley Police Department consisted entirely of Punisher items for the fifth year in a row, according to jealous sources on 4Chan.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday.

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. “Seeing this bird’s lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can’t h...

The task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like The Onion make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that our coverage will influence not only how people think, but also how they act. This responsibility is ...

Speaking from a prison cell in Brisbane, Mr Dutton – a former sex worker and director of adult films – said the laws were not necessary and that regulators should not be the arbiters of truth.

WASHINGTON—Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned Thanksgiving turkey “You’re the Bonnie to my Clyde” on Monday before running off with it and disappearing over the horizon. “It’s us against the world now, turkey,” sa...

THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure in which He is infused with His son’s blood. “I had my doub...

OTTAWA - As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa's Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map.

Trump started his purge right at the top, seeking out the world’s richest person and asking him if he wanted to run a key department.

They just… blocked me. Like I’m some kind of annoyance, rather than the iconoclastic and fascinating truth-teller which I know myself to be.

Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cabinet.

WASHINGTON—With widespread support from her Republican colleagues, Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) introduced a bill Friday that would ban transgender lawmakers from the congressional gymnastics team. “I don’t care how good their bar routine is—no trans lawmaker will ever step on this mat,” Mace said in supp...