No Stupid Questions @lemmy.world sailordaking @ani.social 14h ago

what's the best way to react if a guy stares at you like he wants to have sex with you when you're doing yoga?

this happens in a public park.

first time this happens to me afaik. I was just stretching with black leggings and a t-shirt. I noticed him 100 yards away walking around but always looking at me. Upon making eye contact he would look away but as soon as I turned to stretching, he'd look at me.

He started slowly approaching me and at one point stood at like 15 yards from me, but still separated by a fence. At that point I decided to cut my work out short and left avoiding eye contact.

I consider myself lucky because he didn't follow me.

What scared me the most is he was bigger and taller than me.

If this ever happened to you, how did you react? How do I react next time this happens?

41 comments

If you have your phone with you, try and get a photo of him. It sucks that you had to cut short your workout. It may be that what you experienced as "staring", he thought of as "looking" - men can be oblivious to how they are perceived - but that's no excuse.

I remember this one guy telling a bunch of us how he'd "helped" a woman late one night, by walking behind her on a deserted street, "to see that no harm came to her". Boy did we lay into him. In the end he understood that a) he had actually stalked this poor woman and b) next time he should cross the road so she had one less thing to worry about. What a dipshit.
Lots of people giving advice here, but I'm not seeing the most important advice being emphasized.

Always trust your gut. Listen to that uneasy feeling and act on it.

We developed this intuition over millennia for a reason. Your subconscious will pick up on cues even if you consciously aren't catching it.
- The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a book about exactly this. It's definitely worth a read, and his methods have been used by countless celebrities & public figures to assess threats.
  
  You got me, this is what I’m referencing.
  
  If the topic of books comes up in conversation with random people I always recommend it if that’s the only book they read in their lifetime
- Listen to that uneasy feeling and act on it.
  
  Unless it's about some other group of people than men.
  
  Yes that moral imbalance also striked me when reading this. When grandma has a gut feeling towards brown people and talks about that, she'd be called a bigot here. But when it's about men, the highest upvoted advice is to listen to the feeling of fear in your gut...
  
  Pulling out your gun and shooting the brown skinned dude going for a jog is a little bit different than packing it in and resolving to do yoga another day
  
  I don't know what gender you are, but you've just triggered my spidey-gut.
I'm not sure there's any other good reaction than the one you had.

Maybe he was just "checking you out" and being very untactful and impolite about it (i.e. he's just awkward).

Maybe he was looking at something else near you ... but probably not.

But also maybe, he's not right in the head and was thinking about doing more than just looking...

My advice (as a guy) is either:

Look for another person nearby (or a couple/group), voice your concern, and ask them to walk with you away from the situation.

If that fails, just do your best to leave but stay situationally aware.

I'm also going to add, that "look for help thing" includes looking for random guys that weren't creeping you out that might be walking by. I know there's the whole stranger danger thing that most of us were raised with, but ... most guys are not rapists. If you just look for a normal looking dude (or someone that really looks like they've got their shit together) and ask them... I'd say 9/10 they'd be more than happy to get you out of that situation.

We need to (as a society) normalize women letting guys know about problematic men.
- I want to absolutely support this advice, especially the last sentence. It's quite hard for a guy that is aware of how they can be seen as threatening to offer help or stop a situation where someone is feeling threatened without making it worse. But asked to help? I'd drop what I was doing and offer some support if someone is feeling threatened right away. Most men are not creepy assholes that would rape you given the chance. On the contrary we hate those assholes too.
- I still feel grateful for being in the right place to help out some people many years ago.
  
  I was headed to meet some friends down at the shore and right when I got to town , I stopped by McDonald's to grab something to eat. It was pretty empty, just the employees and 2 groups of kids.
  
  There were 4 young teen girls and 3 or 4 older teen boys, and from the second I walked in, I saw the girls were very uncomfortable and the guys kept trying to get them to leave with them. They were trying to call someone to pick them up but nobody could come get them from what I could tell.
  
  It was very dark out and the town was deserted, so I assumed they were not locals either so they didn't have many options.
  
  I asked them if they wanted a ride and they quickly said yes and literally jumped in my car as fast as they could. They were a decent number of blocks away, and they were very happy to be back at their rental.
  
  I assume nothing serious would have happened, but it probably would have made the rest of their trip shitty if they had to worry if those guys knew where they were staying. I couldn't have just ignored them without offering to help though, they all seemed on the verge of tears.
  
  It was a little mind blowing how they'd just jump in a stranger's car, but I was at least a neutral party when the other guys were already verified creeps. I wasn't much older, about 20, so not in creepy old man territory yet, so that probably helped. As I said, I still think about how I got to be someone's champion that day, and it makes me feel good to know I helped out.
  
  I imagine you're an adult, so you should have a decent radar for picking out some non-creep stranger. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I didn't have much time to process the situation until after the girls had left, but seeing someone desperate for help I'd think would have most people willing to accommodate getting you to your car or a better public place. Most people are good and would help out if asked.
- If you just look for a normal looking dude (or someone that really looks like they’ve got their shit together)
  
  A bit of a weird but I think true add-on to this in 2024: look for the one dude (or lady) with arms full of ink (tattoos). A person who spends countless hours in a chair and thousands of dollars on their work is highly recognizable and identifiable, things a would-be creeper does not want. Even if maybe their work looks a little gang or biker, people know who they are and are not the scary ones in this park at this moment. $0.02
  
  I would phrase that as "don't count out people with tattoos." There are definitely some people with tattoos that you still don't want to talk to (100% agree in 2024 though, tattoos themselves do not mean someone's a bad person and some of those folks are lovely) haha
If it's typically sunny where you yoga, wear a mirror ball bodysuit. Anyone that stares will get an eye full of glorious sunbeams.

Alternatively, get a big, well-trained dog. The kind that will orbit you closely without a leash.
- If I were a woman this is what I’d do. Great, loyal animal, that will give you peace of mind knowing they’ll keep the creeps away.
Shout loudly: "Get lost pervert!"

This works better when there are lots of people around.
I know this isn't an awesome answer, but safety is more important than standing your feminist ground sometimes: either go to another yoga class or bring a friend. It sux to rearrange your life because of some weirdo, but less than being attacked. Also, consider keeping mace or a whistle on you in case there is a confrontation.
If you're alone and/or feeling potentially unsafe, you did the right thing no question. Prevent the situation from escalating, get away, leave him to his daily routine of making people feel uncomfortable.

If you have a greater audience and you're in a safer setting, you could consider calling him out. Make eye contact, flip him off, make him know he is not being appreciated. That could be a learning moment, but it could also be the moment when he starts giving you extra attention as you have acknowledged his existence and/or hurt his ego. So it could go both ways and should never be attempted without bystanders.

In a setting where you're in a mixed gender group, make a male friend aware of the situation and ask them if they could go tell the creep that they're making you uncomfortable. Men are sadly more likely to believe that their behaviour is creepy when it's coming from other men, in my experience.

Raising awareness of the issue in general is good, and judging by the comment section here so far there's not all that much of it around. So that's also something. I think this is really a question that should go out to men more than to women - what should we do when we observe men making women feel uncomfortable? How can we react in a constructive manner?
You did the right thing: you kept an eye on your environment, and you had an exit plan.
Give em a toot n' wink 😉

But in all seriousness, if there were other women around then call that shit out. If its just you stay safe and call a friend/pretend that they're meeting you.
I highly recommend this channel. But this video in particular is topical.

https://youtu.be/rUM_kIVjT_Q
At first I was like there's nothing wrong with looking, but it went beyond looking. Does the park have cameras? If not, consider bringing one or two but actually take the time to make them functional to a cloud dvr of some kind. Then place them in super obvious places by you.

It sucks to need to do extra things but it's better to be safe regardless.
Focus on your exercises and don't get distracted by other people. If you can't keep up your attention move to another place less crowded.
- Ignoring predators, a good idea
"Take a picture; it will last longer!"
- You're giving permission to expand his spank bank that way. Not recommended.
  
  Do you typically get permission before privately enjoying a photo of an attractive person?
Excrete explosive diarrhoea on the spot, and film it and put it on a prank channel on youtube.
if he just watches, it's harmless. maybe annoying for you, if you dislike being watched. you don't know his intentions. maybe he was just getting closer to cheer or something.

also, wanting to have sex is on it's own also harmless and natural. doesn't mean he's a rapist.

i think his actions do not necessarily call for a reaction. just, as you also felt uncomfortable, you did the right thing. it's public space, so even if it's rude, everyone can stare at whomever they want. you always risk being exposed to rude people when you do things in public. sometimes the best thing you can do is just leave. But if you're not alone, you can call him out to find out more about his intentions. Maybe he's chill and will change his behaviour once he's aware it makes others feel uncomfortable or even threatened.
- Matthew 5:27-30 "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell."
  
  theres something terribly gross about using the bible as a rape deterrent.. ya know, considering all the condoned rape and murder by that 'god'
  
  god kills more humans than any other entity in that tome
  
  Why not cut to the chase and tear off my dick and throw it away?
  
  Matthew 15:11. ESV it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person." NIV What goes into someone's mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them."
  
  No one here is interested in the bastardized oral stories of Bronze Age sheep herders. Take your moral bankruptcy back to the cultural gutter where it belongs.
Call him out loudly and publicly.
- Antagonizing him is not a good idea. Finding others in the park and alerting them of the situation and asking them to help you get out of sight safely is the option with the least risk.
  
  You don't want to create a situation where a creep has a reason to remember you
Fart loudly? Idk.

So this answer might come off the wrong way. I wanna start by saying that the reality sucks, and I'm sorry it's that way and we should all work to better it. That having been said...

A conventionally attractive woman in yoga pants doing yoga in public will catch eyes like a man wearing a speedo at a water park. It's stupid, it sucks, but it is what it is. The best way to avoid it is unfortunately to not do it. Especially if that gawking is feeling like more than gawking, and you're concerned for your safety.
- I'm now past the middle of this talk. While the ideas about how subversion works in general makes sense, his diatribes about unions make no sense. He claims that unions got radicalized and became violent recently and that was helped by Soviet propaganda. That's brutally wrong. Clashes between unions and company militias were much more violent historically and way before the October revolution, let alone the creation of the KGB. His talking points on this come straight out of Milton Friedman's mouth. It's straight up right wing propaganda. Given that right wing propaganda is the reason why the working class is on its knees today and has just elected Donald Trump, it begs the question whether his talk isn't KGB subversion itself.
- Strong disagree on the whole giving up part.
  
  Looking over briefly and not as subtly as one would maybe have hoped is normal behaviour. Coming up and staring is not.
  
  Sadly, if there was an easy solution to this problem we would all have been well aware of it by now. But giving the world up to the creeps is not the right way to go - they will keep going at it forever, shrinking in women's freedoms little by little until there's nothing left and women won't be allowed to leave the fucking house without a man any more. We've seen it happen, anyone who thinks America is any better should take a second look at it.
- Excrete explosive diarrhoea
I'm a big dude and usually people simply speaking to me is enough to make me run away. But I also don't gawk at people in parks, so maybe try a gun?

I'm sorry this wasn't helpful

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