What is the scariest thing there? Me: "People who wear shorts in winter..." 😂

As someone who lives in the "wouldn’t be that tough." That's big talk for someone who likely doesn't want to spend their last moments desperately clawing at the roof of a pine box.

is this a reference to something in particular? confused non-USian here
I’m from Humboldt, it would be Afghanistan guerrilla warfare in the tallest forest in the world

why democrats can't have guns?

Democrats have guns. They just don't worship their guns, display them like phallic symbols, or make a big deal of having them like conservative nutsos do. So there's a ridiculous stereotype that Democrats don't have guns and want to take guns away that conservative nutsos use to terrify their base into voting against responsible gun ownership laws.
Plenty do. The thought that democrats don’t have guns is a stereotype. Being pro gun control and being a responsible gun owner are compatible.
- Fully agree,

May Florida Man protect us.

Lol, I do wear shorts in winter. We have a lot of guns up here too. Probably more guns than people.

Apparently the DMV is up for grabs?

Nah, it’s just gangs of representatives from all the other groups.

I know that's probably not what was meant, but I'm reading "seals" as the animals, and the image is glorious.

It likely is the animals. San Diego has a lot of seals on their coast.
I'll be honest, I don't know what was meant.
- I love how you got both answers, so we're still none the wiser. :D
- Real seals. Socal has a lot of them.
- Navy seals

Surprised Hawaii doesn't just say "Ask Japan how it went"

I mean... The Hawaii part went pretty well for them. It was the rest of it afterwards where things went south.

The Roman Empire should be brought back and conquer the USA

I see your Rome and raise you Coke
- Several countries claim to be the successor to Rome
  
  None claim to be the successor of Coke
  
  The Roman Empire is immortal, the Coke empire is only temporary
We could have better roads, but the Romans would instantly see that a network of rail lines is infinitely more efficient for both people and cargo, so major auto arteries would become a thing of the past. Win win

Minnesota is also missing the "wears shorts in winter" tag.

Happens all the time in negative degree weather.

it hits -30f, you put on the shorts, the light hoodie, and you go out and get milkshakes.
- Hasn't stopped us before!
That tag could probably be on the entirety of the North. From Michigan
- Yeah that's fair, just pepper that tag across the top.

The Pacific Northwest would be horrible to invade. Even if the people don't offer much resistance trying to get through the Rocky Mountains would be disastrous. But they actually have militias out there too.

As a resident of "this part wouldn't be that tough", i disagree. The entire Cascade range extending from the top of the central valley to the top of Washington, extending out to the ocean, is very very rough, steep, heavily forested terrain that would be absolute hell to get any kind of equipment through if the locals were to blow up a grand total of three bridges on three separate highways.

Also, fat chance invading the USA from the Pacific. That's like trying to get through a chastity belt by putting your dick in the padlock.
- Replied to the wrong comment. Leaving it because.
  
  Americans are the premier naval power.
  
  Hawaii, Midway and other Pacific islands having monitoring stations.
  
  The Pacific isn't as easy to cross as you think due to it's size and it has some nasty ass storms.
  
  Pair that with the coastal regions usually having cliffs rather than somewhere a landing craft could pull up and it isn't easy for a start.
  
  Now mix in people who know the terrain and don't want you there.
- Why exactly?
  
  The Pacific is pretty big, it's an ocean after all.
Also I always like to point out that Oregon has more guns per person than Texas, most people assume Oregon = Portland.
- That stat is mainly because of Paul Harrell (RIP) and his brother.
you do conquer it but the locals keep trying to feed you organic, wild harvested, artisanal Amanita soup
- So you’re telling me I get part of a country and the locals get me tripping balls?
  
  Fuck yeah sign me up!
"Terrain is the first enemy your army will encounter" - Sun Tzu (not really, I just made that up)
- Nope, logistics is the first enemy. You can have the men and high tech weapons you want. But if you can't get them to where those things are needed in the quantity they are needed-- You lose.
  
  The US military is still the best in the world at moving men and material in the least amount of time than anyone else. And as much as fuckcars hates the over grown US highway system, it would be a tremendous advantage to be used against any would be invader.
- The first enemy your army will encounter is usually logistics.
- Terrain is definitely an enemy you will encounter.
Also: the emerald triangle and that whole area of NorCal are the far-right wackos who regularly fly the state of Jackson flags, they're heavily armed and waiting to shoot people up there
And not only do we also wear shorts in the winter, we refuse to use umbrellas no matter how hard it's pouring outside.
Also, Sasquatch.

I'm far more afraid of the Nazis in Baton Rouge running this state than I am of Acadians hunting out in the swamps. Just don't go in the swamp! The Nazis are actively making life worse whether you seek them or not.

As an Acadian I totally agree.

You forgot about the Illinois Nazis.

I hate Illinois nazis.

Ah yes, those dangerous gangs of San Louis Obispo in California are really getting out of hand!

I think they're trying to reference LA and don't realize how far south it actually is.

CMP people? What's that

Civilian Marksmanship Program. It was a program designed to sell cheap obsolete military rifles, pistols, and ammunition to civilians to shoot target competitions with. It still exists today, though the supply of cheap surplus firearms has dwindled significantly. They never sell machine guns or assault rifles either.

The program arose at the end of WW2 because the US army discovered that the US is not a "Nation of Marksmen" but mostly a motley collection of "city slickers" that didn't know one end of a rifle from the other. Let alone actually shoot well enough to hit anything. It was taking too long to train recruits to use a firearm properly.

All you had to do was join a CMP approved target shooting club and shoot a set number of sanctioned matches to qualify to purchase a refurbished M1 Garand, M1 Carbine, 1903 Springfield, or 1911A1 pistol for very little money. It cost me $200US for a "Rack Grade" M1 Garand back in the day. And for the longest time there was no need for an FFL transfer either. The CMP would mail the firearm directly to your home.
I tried to search for it. There are 203 meanings for the acronym.
Civilian Marksmanship Program.

Garands, Garands everywhere.
The CPU instruction to compare, I think. (I lived around there for a number of years and have no idea)
Corps of military police? No idea either

Texas should just say "Guns".

North Dakota should probably be "no civilization, no resources, and no warmth."

You could just write "Fargo" over ND to get the point across.
Hey now, we have some resources. Like... uh... hotdish?

Why are you walking away, weren't you invading?
- And it's tatertot hot dish!
  
  Can imagine the delaying tactics that a classic Minnesotan long goodbye would cause to an invading military? You could cause delays of up to several hours just saying goodbye!
- Y'all grow a mean sugarbeet
- Don't you guys have a fire cavern? That has to produce some warmth.
ND has oil and nukes.
- And about 13 guns per person, although admittedly the people are scattered far and wide
- Does it really have oil?
  
  And I know it's got a fuckton of missile silos but I imagine in an invasion they aren't terribly useful. I guess maybe an after you take complete control then it is

Here's a cleaned up copy

One small fix

I want to see what exactly what our Long Range Mormons (LRMs) are capable of

They’ve got a long pedigree…

Florida man would be the ultimate defender of an invasion, cause he's too stupid to know when to die

To crazy to stop, to stupid to die.

Feels like a b movie tag line
- There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
It's just the meth and bath salts giving him superpowers. Gotta weaponize the DEA if you wanna take him down

"That still know the old ways"

A friend and I took an out-of-state friend to a bar and we ordered moonshine. My friend and I could not get over how wrong it felt to buy moonshine in a public place. With a permit.

I'm still surprised you can buy it legally.

That ain't moonshine.

Moonshine is what you get from a shady hillbilly type off the side of a dirt road sitting in a shack with two shotguns on a wall. You ask him if he got any and he says something like "not fur free" with an almost toothless smile. He's got horrible hair a stringy beard, and you get the sense he's the kind of guy who don't wash his hands a lot.

You give him the money first, then he takes a shotgun and walks behind the shack. He hands you the two gallons you bought, one in one of those plastic gallon jugs you get milk in and the other a weird looking metal pot that doesn't look close to a gallon but you realize it's probably best not to argue with this guy.

He pulls out a metal cup and another jug (that he left behind under the table he was at to get your stuff) and says "firs ones on me" pours you some, and you better fucking take it.

Yeah, there's a real risk that this stuff might have less safe alcohols in it, but these guys don't wanna die so it's usually safe so you take the swig and regret everything that lead you up to this point as you cough down the highest proof corn and something else liquor you've ever had.

You politely tell him thank you and he gives you that grotesque smile as you drive away.
- Ha which this reminds me of a story my dad told us when we asked if there was a shortcut through where we were going in the Ozarks. It was a time before phones.
  
  "Peopleproblems, you don't take shortcuts around here. You stick to the main roads, follow the signs, and make darn sure you have a map. When I was in college, engaged to your mom, we were on our way back from doxable university and we decided to do that, cause my friend (has a name), said he knew of one. We went with it - we came up to a stop sign, and this old beat up truck pulled up next to us. A short ugly looking thin as bones guy with a beard and no hair, with his unfortunately worse looking daughter. He gets out of the truck after he places his shot gun on the dashboard drunkenly steps on over to us and says 'One o' yee need to murry my daughter. She ain't purty but she cook and clean real good. I don care wheech one o' y'all does, but we got e'rything ready. Jus follow us on down 'ere.' My friend says something stupid, I can't remember what, but his response was what I won't forget: 'I ain't given yee a choice.' As he heads back to the truck my friend just says 'Gun it!' and the little Gremlin I was in worked the hardest it ever had. Once we got back on the highway there was a mix of laughing and crying as we were facing a real shotgun wedding."
  
  We were young at the time, so he left the sad part out. Around there incest/rape was a known thing, and she had probably gotten pregnant. He was likely trying to find someone to marry her so he didn't get the blame, she didn't get the problems associated with being a single pregnant mother in hillbilly land, and the whole problem is solved. And he'd do it at gun point if he had to.
- Why you doing things the hard way? Guy I buy from is an old family friend and he'll meet you in a parking lot somewhere or you can ask to swing by his house.
To be fair, the term “moonshine” nowadays doesn’t exclusively refer to illegally produced liquor and is often used to describe non-barrel-aged whiskey made from corn.
- I have a feeling that they may mean real moonshine, not the stuff listed as moonshine in stores. Although it may not be considered "in public" I know a guy here that just left flyers at a local bar for his moonshine and would come by a few times a week and everyone knew which nights they'd be around. He'd reuse gallon jugs that used to have water, or those cheap punches you'd buy in stores. Most people would by a pint or quart though. He'd flavor some, but getting a gallon of it plain just basically tastes like slightly off grain alcohol.
  
  At the end of the day, whatever was getting sucked out of the plastic bottle into the alcohol was likely just as bad for us as the alcohol itself.
  
  I stopped going to bars, and cut back drinking by a long shot, but I'm sure if he's not around still someone likely took his place.
That stuff's for tourists. I haven't drank a drop in 7 years and I can still get you a jar of real shine if you want.
- That's exactly what I'm trying to say! Absolutely baffling. We kept telling him we could get him some of the real deal but he is just so shockingly adverse to anything he thinks might be even a teensie bit less-than-legal and I still can't understand how I became friends with someone like him.
Ahhh moonshine. Used to know a southern guy, who wanting to get wrecked at parties but being broke, would buy gallon jugs of the stuff from “a guy I know”. Which clearly was pretty potent - once poured into a foam cup over some ice, it would dissolve out the whole bottom of the foam cup before he could put the mixer in.

The “solution” was to put the Mountain Dew in first, so the shine is diluted enough to keep the cup’s integrity while he drank it… I outta check up on him, see how he’s doin’
- Yep - the dissolving foam means it's just the right amount of solvent.
  
  My dad would joke that it's the same stuff you clean paint brushes brushes with. Might not be too far off.
- I never tried putting it in a foam cup! Good on him for the Mountain Dew. I don't drink the stuff but that's historically what it was made for- as a mixer for moonshine.

The main reason you shouldn’t invade is that almost all of these people own guns.

guns

It's almost 2025. You might as well count on your halberds and moats to keep you safe.
- This reminds me, I should buy a moat...
yea your gun will stop a fucking direct energy weapon liquefying the ground in a mile radius
- Jewish Space Lasers are so 2021, get a new conspiracy theory bro

What's the context for the Nazis in the northwest?

There are a lot of right-wing militias there. Oregon was basically settled for racist white people. Outside the major cities, the Pacific NW has a lot of fascists.
- Oregon is unique in that early on they were anti-slavery because they were so racist that they didn't want black people in the state even as slaves.
- Ah, so theres some real-world reason the movie Green Room is set in Oregon? Interesting!
Idaho is also being taken over by gun nuts and crazy right wing fascists.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.

Russian asset in the white house (again :p )

all the retired people in Florida too

Man, I hate dealing with contractors too

They mean private military contractors.
- Dang, do they specialize in flooring and drywall for military bases or something?

Bueno chicos, nos quedamos con Oregon. Ya escucharon!

Let's start by attacking Hawaii then.

Ask Japan how that worked out.
- So you're saying this map is keeping vital information from us that the Japanese have?

What... they DON'T wear shorts in winter in Florida??

There is a second contingent of people who wear shorts in the winter in between the corn maze and the Mormons. The ones that who don't own guns still know how to swing a bike lock.

Yee fuckin' haw.

Apparently Hawaii is safe?

Don't even dare think about touching our boats!!

Colorado just sitting there watching? Along with a few other states…

And I'm not so sure about coastal Northern California / Southern Oregon. It's marked on the map as being not that difficult. But I believe there are still plenty of paranoid, heavily-armed pot growers up in that area.
Coloradans are fit, enjoy difficult hunting in bad terrain, know how to maneuver off road vehicles, are naturally trained at high altitudes, generally have good survival skills, and includes a large population of active or former military.

Not to mention, the Rockies stretch the entire length of the State.

They're a good candidate for the Final Boss.
- We’ve also got DTC for a tech-heavy defense and a lot of aerospace and military (Colorado Springs)…I’m liking the Final Boss idea.
  
  I don’t disagree with the off-road vehicle comment, it’s the on-road vehicles that seem to be the problem here.
To get to Colorado means getting past Mormons, the cartel, machine gun enthusiasts, armed farmers, and backcountry hunters(militia should also be a concern in that area). Colorado is quite well defended by topography and neighbors that they might as well just stay high and chill.